This site was first started because I was traveling for a living and I did not have interests in common with coworkers, specifically my love of reading. So I thought, maybe I will start a blog site and share my love of books with people online and maybe get a conversation started. But here is the fatal flaw, I am not good at being consistent with writing and I just don’t have that indescribable thing that draws people in. But now I realize, there is a certain freedom in the anonymity of the internet.
I come from a home were I was raised that girls never complain, never say they are anything but fine/good/happy, and never cause waves. This is an exhausting way to live, not being able to admit that often times I am depressed and drowning in feelings I don’t know how to process. But who am I going to talk to, no one in my life wants to hear what I really think or feel.
Ah, but here comes the freedom of writing online; even if no one reads my post it feels good to say what I feel “out loud”; there is a certain catharsis to not keeping it all in. It is like screaming in the dark that is the internet. People don’t see you and yet you can get those feelings and thoughts out.
One of the only posts I wrote that ever drew the slightest interest is actually about the song Hold On by Chord Overstreet. This song is about suicide and throughout it the heartbeat in the background gets slower until the inevitable end where the person he is singing about dies. Although I do not advocate suicide, I have a strong affinity for the message. It is tough to hold on when you constantly feel alone, depressed, and sad. There are times in my life that I pray to god that he will end this tortured existence that is often my world. Because I truly believe it is wrong to harm oneself, I pray that god will see fit to set me free.
Don’t get me wrong, there are days where I am, if not happy, I am okay. Though I am not sure if I even know what happy is anymore, if I ever did.
I bought this blog name and URL when the host was having a sale on a 2 year plan. For the one year I have left, I think I will just use this page to write with freedom. Maybe I talk about my thoughts for the day, maybe I continue writing about the books I read, the music I love. Maybe I share the crazy stupid stuff that happens at work. Maybe someone will stumble across this and identify or not, but in any case it will probably be good to have an outlet for my thoughts.